


Five Times the Townsfolk Knew and One Time They Didn't

by puff22_2001



Series: The Cook, The Handyman, His Wife (They're Lovers) [2]
Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Acceptance, Fluff, Food Fight, Friends to Lovers, Multi, Polyamory, Secret Relationship, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:29:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29884608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puff22_2001/pseuds/puff22_2001
Summary: In the early months of their relationship with Teddy, Bob and Linda try to keep things under wraps. The key word here is "try."
Relationships: Bob Belcher/Linda Belcher, Bob Belcher/Linda Belcher/Teddy (Bob's Burgers), Bob Belcher/Teddy (Bob's Burgers), Linda Belcher/Teddy (Bob's Burgers)
Series: The Cook, The Handyman, His Wife (They're Lovers) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2197755
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	Five Times the Townsfolk Knew and One Time They Didn't

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Smol_Ghost_Boy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smol_Ghost_Boy/gifts).



> "I just I want the town to find out and have everything be ok. Edith was watched over by the carnies when she was a kid I'm sure she's seen polyamory before. Marshmallow and Dalton as well as Art would all show support. I feel like the librarian mr Ambrose would be like eh I've seen it before my roommates in a polycule. Everyone is supportive except Jimmy Pesto and he gets punched in the face by Teddy." - Smol_Ghost_Boy
> 
> I changed a few things from the prompt: I swapped Mort out for Art as he's a more prominent character and I wrote a different ending. Still, I hope that this is close to what you wanted, SGB! Thank you for the prompt and I really appreciate your support!

The first time that someone knows, Bob eventually decides that he must have just heard Mort wrong. He’s working behind the grill and he can’t hear perfectly in the back even on days when his ears _aren’t_ full of wax. He’s missed at least half of Mort and Teddy’s conversation so far.

“So we’re going to take the kids next week.” Teddy is telling Mort about the Belchers’ planned trip to the water park to close out the kids’ summer vacation. They’ve already been in school for about a month but the weather is unusually warm for early autumn. Louise has more than once claimed that summer hasn’t _really_ ended and thus she shouldn’t be cooped up to languish in kid-prison. So far, her conviction hasn’t produced the desired results of getting to skip school. This trip to the water park is the adults’ compromise; besides, Linda wants to get in one last burn-tan before winter truly hits.

“That sounds like fun!” Mort, just as friendly as ever, says behind the partition. “It’ll be nice for you guys to get to go swimming one last time this season.”

“Yeah, I promised Louise she can teach me how to hold my breath under water.” Teddy says with a laugh. He isn’t joking, either. Bob has seen Teddy panic in the water before, while Louise is basically a fish in pink bunny ears.

“Well, hopefully you’ll get some time to yourselves, too.” Mort’s voice sounds unusually kind to Bob’s one clear ear. “It’s hard raising kids, even with three parents.”

Bob looks up from his perfectly-formed patty in shock.

They’ve been so careful. Ever since he and Linda started dating Teddy, they’ve all worked their hardest to keep their relationship under wraps. It _has_ been hard, too. Linda and Teddy are so affectionate that reigning them in feels cruel. Still, they can’t risk losing business, not even when they’re all so happy together otherwise.

The restaurant is doing so well lately that the risk is actually serious. The Belchers will never be rich but they’ve been able to pay down a few of their larger debts and buy the kids clothes from the _nice_ thrift store in town. It helps that Teddy’s added a third income stream to the household.

Bob is proud of his boyfriend and he’s proud of himself and Linda for getting Teddy to get his life on track after he was evicted last winter. Teddy is a ditz, definitely, but he’s managed to keep his affairs in order since Bob and Linda let him crash on their couch. At least most of the time.

So they’ve done their level best to limit physical affection to the apartment and to watch what they say around others. Teddy is obviously living with the Belchers--he’s been on the lease since early summer--but the official story is that the handyman is still trying to save up enough to get his house back.

Did Bob just mishear Mort? He strains to hear better and curses his delicious burgers as they loudly pop and sizzle on the grill.

“It’s way different from being an honorary uncle.” Teddy says and then Bob hears drinking. Teddy’s on his second cup of coffee. “But it’s way better, too.”

“Here you go, Mort.” Linda says with the sound of pouring behind her voice. Linda’s working the tables, so hopefully she’ll be able to stop Teddy from saying anything (else) incriminating.

“Thanks, Linda.” Mort replies. Bob doesn’t hear Linda correct Mort or Teddy. He also doesn’t hear much else as the fluorescents above him start humming. Bob doesn’t have time to worry about what he did or didn’t hear any more anyway as Linda appears in the order window with a handful of tickets to start the lunch rush.

Bob speeds up, still taking extra care on Teddy’s burger, and decides that he must have misheard Mort. Linda and Teddy wouldn’t be so oblivious as to miss the implications in Mort’s words--if he said what Bob has decided that he _didn’t_ say.

Willing away Teddy’s answer takes more effort, though.

\----

The second time that someone knows, Bob banks on the commentator being a member of the community and thus sympathetic. The Belchers still occasionally host Dalton Crespin for brunch after that one disastrous attempt at being a brunch spot. Dalton always brings his dog Crispy to appease the younger Belchers. They are never getting a dog, no matter how many vaguely threatening pictures the kids draw.

Dalton disagrees with that decree. “You really should get a dog, Bob.” Dalton says one Sunday as he eats a breakfast sandwich of Bob’s own design. “This is ah-maze-balls, by the way.”

“Thanks.” Bob takes a bite of his own sandwich and chews thoughtfully before continuing. “Why should we get a dog?”

Dalton looks over to where the kids and Teddy are rolling around on the floor with Crispy, laughing in joy.

“Everyone loves dogs, Bob! Your kids love dogs, your boyfriend loves dogs, I bet even you do deep down in your little burger man heart!”

Bob chokes on another bite of sandwich and has to grab for his water. He takes a long swig, trying to formulate a response that neither confirms Dalton’s statement nor makes it blatantly obvious that Bob is trying to avoid the topic. Linda returns from the kitchen right then, and Bob looks over at her with panic.

“We’re not getting a dog, Dame. Dogs are expensive and smelly. Besides, we don’t have room for a dog.” Linda had obviously heard enough of the conversation to have a reply ready, and doesn’t look worried at all. So Bob tries to slow his racing heart and let it go. Dalton is a good guy; surely he won’t blab about Teddy to anyone.

Right?

\----

The third time that someone knows, Bob actually tries to salvage the situation. He’s driving Edith Cranwinkle to the mall against his better judgement. Ever since he ferried her around for the day (and got caught up in yet another dumb scheme) Edith has taken to calling on Bob whenever she needs a ride. Her car is in better condition than the Belcher lemon, so it’s not often that Edith shows up at the restaurant, commanding Bob in that grating voice. It’s actually rare enough that Bob has yet to tell the old woman no, to his own detriment.

“Pull over!” Edith growls as they enter the mall parking lot. “Wait here!”

“Edith, I have to get back to the restaurant.” Bob says with mounting annoyance. Edith has spent the entire ride complaining and Bob is frankly sick of listening to her.

“That tart wife of yours is there!”

“Linda’s not a tart, Edith. I’m going to leave right now if you insult her.” Bob’s hackles rise. There’s a lot that bugs him but insulting his family or his food is probably at the top.

“Eh, it’s a compliment! I was quite the looker in my day, too.”

Bob groans softly in alarm. If Edith starts telling another story about her wild youth, he might just drive into traffic.

“Besides, that boyfriend of yours is there, too, isn’t he?”

Bob tenses and his hands go white on the steering wheel.

“Teddy isn’t our--my boyfriend.” Bob says as casually as he can muster. Edith snorts, the sound like gravel in Bob’s ears.

“Oh come on! Like it’s not obvious!” Edith says.

Bob braces for Edith’s eternal cry of “Perverts!” and the inevitable shouting match. He’s surprised when she smiles fondly in the rearview mirror instead. “The conjoined twins in the Freak Show had to share a husband. He used to give me piggyback rides.”

“That’s...nice.” Bob isn’t sure what else to say. Edith doesn’t seem disgusted and she’s not yelling at him. Considering her usual personality, either thing is a miracle.

Then Edith ruins the moment. “So wait here! I’m going to be a while. Maybe without _you_ there the two of them can actually work.”

Edith gets out of the car and Bob is thankful enough for her nonchalance that he only considers running her over for a moment.

\----

The fourth time that someone knows, Bob isn’t surprised in the least. He’s cooking at the Wiggle Room on an early weekday night, his debt to Mr. Fischoeder somehow never repaid despite months of working for the man. The club has had a full kitchen staff for almost as long but Mr. Fischoeder keeps finding just the right threats to keep Bob cooking, at least a day or two a week.

Honestly, Bob genuinely enjoys the change of scenery. He misses the family working around him but the small kitchen crew is full of members of the community and they actually respect Bob’s experience. It only occasionally bothers him that he’s a good decade older than the next oldest employee (ever since Mr. Fischoeder hired actual cooks and sent the Wonder Wharf carnies back home to their rides and stalls).

Bob likes getting to see his friends more often, too. Marshmallow is a regular at the Wiggle room, as are her girlfriends. Natalie is also often there and Bob’s grown quite a liking for the eccentric limo driver that Louise adores. Although the cook is usually too busy to talk much, they’ll yell hello when the kitchen door swings open over the pounding music.

Marshmallow takes advantage of one such swing to slide into the kitchen that night. The place isn’t busy at the moment (weekday evenings not being prime clubbing time) and no one bats an eyelash when the regulars visit. It’s definitely against regulations but, then again, Mr. Fischoeder _did_ almost get the club shut down for not following regulations.

“Hey, Baby.” Marshmallow says as Bob is working on a couple of burgers for the few eating patrons at the moment.

“Hey, Marshmallow.”

“When are you going to bring Linda and Teddy over?” Marshmallow asks as she leans on the door. “You know we have couples’ night every other Saturday.”

Bob isn’t surprised but he _is_ still wary. At this point, enough folks have said something that it’s become abundantly clear that he, Linda, and Teddy are about as subtle as a brick to the face.

“We’re not a couple, though.” Bob flips the burgers and plates them, smiling at the young server as they easily reach around Marshmallow and pick up the orders right on time.

“Throuples are welcome.”

“That’s a dumb word.” Bob briefly wonders if he should be more worried that apparently the whole town is on the secret, but he’s too caught up on the phrasing.

“Maybe, but you should still come by. Find a babysitter for the night.” Marshmallow stops leaning on the door and turns to leave. “You can’t work all of the time.”

“Says you.” Bob grins as Marshmallow blows him a kiss and leaves the kitchen.

\----

The fifth time that someone knows, Bob just gives up. He’s at the kids’ school for the science fair and he’s the only one of the three Belcher Family adults that’s not having a good time. Linda is enthralled by a project on the chemistry involved in baking and Teddy is busy talking, well, shop with the shop teacher. Bob, on the other hand, has a headache from the noise and just wants to see the kids’ entries and then go home.

“Ugh, I know, right?” A voice at his side says as Bob bends down to (pretend to) read a badly-written placard describing the science involved with hair dye. “Who even cares?”

“Uh, we should. We’re their parents.” Bob straightens up to face the man talking. He looks vaguely familiar, though Bob can’t quite place the brunette in a blue vest.

“Ew, no, I’m not anybody’s parent. Gross.” The man says and the absolute disgust in his reply jogs Bob’s memory. Mr. Ambrose is the school librarian and cheerleading coach who definitely shouldn’t be either.

“Well, you’re their teacher, at least.”

“Librarians aren’t teachers. Besides, I hate books, ew.” Mr. Ambrose looks around with disdain. “I just come to these things for the food and because my roommate makes me to be ‘less antisocial’ as if Martini Tuesdays don’t count!”

Bob starts shuffling away. “Well, good for you. I’m going to go find my wife now.”

“Hold on a minute.” Mr. Ambrose looks marginally more friendly, which just worries Bob more. “I’m only talking to you because my roommate needs more poly friends and I’m sick of hearing her complain.”

“Wait, what?” Bob asks with suspicion. The kids have sworn that they’ve kept their parents’ relationship on the downlow, but now Bob wonders if they’ve slipped up.

Mr. Ambrose laughs rudely. “Oh, come on! You bring that big blond lunk with you to every school function these days. You’re not subtle, like, at all.”

Oops. Well, at least the kids haven’t spilled the beans. Not that it matters much when their parents are so _bad_ at being discreet. Bob groans quietly in resignation.

“You know what? Fine! Fine. Give me her number.” Bob takes out his cell phone.

“A flip-phone? What are you, eighty?” Mr. Ambrose says with scorn as he gets out his own phone and starts scrolling.

Bob really hates school functions.

\----

By now, Bob is surprised when someone legitimately _doesn’t_ know. It’s just after Thanksgiving when Jimmy Pesto makes an unwelcome visit to the restaurant. Bob is struggling to throw out the day’s trash, but the wind is fighting to carry away the overfull bag and the ground is slick with yesterday’s rain. Jimmy coming up behind him startles Bob and he drops the bag, watching in dismay when it splits open. Stupid cheap dollar-store bags.

“What do you want, Jimmy?” Bob says with a snarl. The family still hasn’t enacted their revenge against Jimmy Pesto for telling Mr. Fischoeder that Teddy was living with them off of their lease last spring. The timing is never right and no one but Bob can come up with any ideas that won’t end with at least one Belcher in jail or juvie.

“Geez, Bob! The garbage goes in the dumpster, not in the alley.” Jimmy laughs as he continues. “Though it does fit the décor around your place! Zoom!”

“I’m not in the mood to deal with you today, Jimmy. Either finish insulting me and leave, or help me get this trash.” Bob bends to start cleaning up and is astonished when Jimmy also picks up greasy napkins and used straws. Bob hadn’t even considered that Jimmy would listen to him, let alone actually help.

“Look, Bob. You know I hate you.” Jimmy says as they throw the litter in the dumpster in handfuls as the bag is a lost cause.

“Same to you, Jimmy.” Bob mutters. Although things with Jimmy Pesto had improved slightly in the last year or so, his betrayal of the Belchers set Jimmy back to square one with Bob. He could give Bob all of his cool things--even the slot cars--and Bob would still dislike him.

“But I feel like someone has to tell you.” Jimmy hesitates and grimaces as he tosses an especially grody handful of produce waste into the dumpster. “I think Linda’s cheating on ya.”

Bob straightens up and drops the pieces of a broken plate on the ground. He doesn’t know whether to laugh or to roll his eyes.

“What makes you think that, exactly?” Bob has a pretty good idea of what Jimmy’s alluding to. Being able to troll the other man is a rare opportunity indeed.

“Bob, ever since Teddy moved in with you, Linda’s been all touchy-feely with him. And Jimmy Junior told me that Tina told him that Teddy goes to all of those school things these days.” Jimmy doesn’t look happy and Bob relishes in the other man’s discomfort. “I don’t know, I don’t usually go to those things.”

“So you think Linda’s cheating on me with Teddy?” Bob tries to sound confused and hurt. He pretty much fails. He’s having too much fun making Jimmy squirm. Besides, he doesn’t really want to talk about his personal life with _Jimmy Pesto_ of all people.

Jimmy nods with a frown. “I’ve even seen them kissing in front of your place a couple of times.” Jimmy looks livid and Bob has no clue why until Jimmy continues. “It’s probably better you hear it from me. I, uh, can sympathize.”

Bob blinks in surprise. He knows that Jimmy is divorced and Bob had always just assumed that was due to Jimmy’s awful personality. Apparently it was that _and_ infidelity.

Bob is too good of a person, deep down, to let Jimmy suffer for too long. Finding out that the other man is only trying to spare Bob a heartbreak he knows sours any remaining enjoyment Bob might have had in stringing Jimmy along.

He might hate the guy, but Jimmy’s at least trying to help.

“Jimmy, I hate to admit it but I appreciate the concern. But Linda isn’t cheating on me.” Bob picks up the plate pieces and throws them in the dumpster so he doesn’t have to face Jimmy head-on. “We’re both dating Teddy.”

“What?” Jimmy sounds perplexed. “Like some kinda weird sex thing?”

“Oh, like you have room to talk, Baby Num-Num!” Bob says, immediately angry and defensive. “It’s not some weird sex thing!”

“Hey, what I do on my nights off is nobody’s business but mine!” Jimmy retorts and throws a rotten head of lettuce at Bob. The lettuce misses Bob by an inch and smashes on the brick wall next to the dumpster.

Bob picks up half of a tomato that didn’t meet his standards and chucks it at Jimmy as hard as he can. “Yeah, well, what _I_ do is nobody’s business but _mine_!”

The tomato hits Jimmy in the shoulder with a sick thud. Jimmy looks down in shock and then they’re in a full-on garbage fight. Bob is suddenly grateful that the kids put off taking out the trash long enough that he’s got plenty of ammo. Wadded napkins, bitten straws, and all sorts of disgusting food fly through the air as the two men devolve into petty children.

“I was just trying to help, you jackass!” Jimmy shouts as he lobs half of a dripping cardboard box in Bob’s general direction.

“I don’t need your help, Jimmy!” Bob yells in response, ducking the box and tossing a treasure trove of coffee grounds in a filter at Jimmy’s head. The taller man manages to avoid a direct hit but the filter bursts on the wall behind Jimmy and dusts him in black granules.

“Don’t worry! I’m never going to try to help you ever again!” Jimmy’s cry is accompanied with a full take-out cup of coffee that Mort had forgotten that morning. Like the grounds before it, the cup explodes on the wall on impact and Bob is showered in cold java.

Bob is _so_ pissed. “Was trying to get us kicked out trying to _help_?” Bob screeches as he wipes his face on his coat arm and throws half of a burger at Jimmy. It’s a Burger of the Day, a BLT (Burger, Leeks, and Thyme), but the burger also represents Tina’s “ship name” for her parents and Teddy. Bob had been so proud that Tina had wanted to help with the Burger of the Day. He’d been just as touched when she specifically wanted to create one to honor her guardians.

Hitting Jimmy smack in the face with that BLT is as satisfying as making one. Jimmy splutters in disgust and wipes sauce from his face before answering. “I wasn’t trying to get you kicked out!”

“Oh, really? So Telling Mr. Fischoeder about Teddy was just an accident?” Bob stands ready to toss a handful of old fries at Jimmy, but he wants to hear Jimmy’s excuse first.

Jimmy looks slightly guilty. “I just thought he’d raise your rent!”

“You're such an asshole!” Bob throws the fries, though half of them smack Bob in the face when the wind picks them up. Bob bumps into the dumpster as he flails to get mashed potato out of his mustache and then screeches again as two raccoons jump out of the dumpster to run between his legs.

“Ah, get ‘em away from me!” Jimmy screams and mimics Bob’s flailing. He tries to run back towards the street until one of the raccoons cuts him off and snarls in panic. Eventually the two men and the two raccoons are making one tight circle, punctuated by shouts and squeals.

“What’s going on out here?” Teddy opens the back door with another bag of trash. They were just trying to finish up closing for the night and now Bob is being chased by rabid racoons! “Hey, Gary and Little King Trashmouth!”

“Teddy, help!” Bob yells at the top of his lungs.

“Uh, uh, what do I do?” Teddy’s tendency to panic is _not helping._

“I don’t know! Do something! Anything!”

Teddy does a little dance in one spot, trying to figure out a course of action. Finally, he throws the bag of trash into the circle of man-raccoon-man-raccoon as hard as he can. Unfortunately for Jimmy Pesto, he happens to be right in the line of fire. The second bag of trash splits just like the first as it knocks Jimmy onto his ass, covered in garbage.

To Bob’s massive relief, this has the desired effect of breaking the cycle of hysterical running. The raccoons speed off into the gathering darkness, shrieking and yipping all the way. They’ll be back eventually but at least they’re not trying to bite Bob’s ankles any more.

“Oh my God.” Bob pants as he jerks to a stop in front of Teddy. Teddy grabs Bob and hugs him tightly, then pushes Bob away abruptly.

“Bobby, you smell pretty bad.”

“I’m covered in trash, Teddy.” Bob turns to see Jimmy trying to get up and clean the garbage off of himself at the same time. The wet ground isn’t helping his progress at all. Bob sighs and holds out a hand.

“No thanks.” Jimmy says petulantly. He slips on some lettuce and falls back onto his ass.

“You’re welcome to sit in literal trash for the rest of the night, Jimmy. Or you can just let me help you.” Bob says as Teddy picks fries off of his shoulders and tries in vain to wipe coffee off of Bob’s face with the arm of his coat. Jimmy pouts for a second longer, then grabs Bob’s hand without a word. Bob hauls Jimmy to his feet and then lets go as quickly as possible. Jimmy is covered in way more muck than Bob at this point.

Jimmy silently brushes off as much of the remaining waste as he can. Then he starts to stalk off, only to turn back after a few steps. “I was only trying to help.”

Bob takes a deep breath. He won’t be able to stop the kids from wanting to enact their revenge. As far as Bob’s concerned, though, Jimmy being chased by the alley racoons and then being completely covered in grime and trash is pretty decent karma.

“Thanks, Jimmy. We’re fine.” Bob says and quite deliberately grabs Teddy’s hand to hold as the blond man finishes plucking fries and other trash from off of Bob.

Jimmy’s smirk is not entirely convinced, but he doesn’t say anything else as he leaves, squelching as he walks.

Teddy smiles and squeezes Bob’s hand, though he looks puzzled as well. “What was that all about?”

“I’ll tell you about it later.” Bob sighs again and looks around at the new pile of trash and then at the stars starting to blink into existence above them. “I really should have made Jimmy stay to pick up.”

“I can fix this! I’ll go get more trash bags!” Teddy says cheerfully. Bob looks at his boyfriend with affection.

“You know what, Teddy?” Bob says as Teddy starts to pull away to go back inside. “Forget it. It’s late. We’ll make the kids help tomorrow.”

Teddy seems relieved as he answers. “Oh, OK! Sounds like a plan! We can bribe ‘em with decorating Christmas cookies.”

“If Gene doesn’t eat all of the frosting first.” Bob says as they head inside to help Linda finish closing up. Teddy enters first and Bob sees Linda standing in the kitchen, waiting for them to return. Bob sees the two people that he loves the most (besides the kids), both bathed in the warm glow of the fluorescents that they have yet to turn off for the night.

Well, if the whole town knows _anyway_ , Bob might as well stop worrying so much. He’s not an overly physical man, but at least PDA is an option now. Bob squeezes Teddy’s hand, waves to Linda as her eyes widen in surprise at Bob’s state, and closes the door behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> While Teddy in canon does have some violent tendencies (such as pulling a stool apart or throwing Jonas' bike into the ocean), I just didn't want to go that route with this story. I wanted to do something more sitcom-esque and also, as I said in "Teddy in Bob's Heady," I consider this universe to be a happier, healthier one compared to the canon one(s). As well, while Jimmy Pesto is an asshole, the Bob's Burgers crew seems to be trying to slowly redeem him a little. Jimmy complimenting Bob in "Romancing the Beef" and recommending Bob to cater the Glencrest Yacht Club's holiday boat parade in "Yachty or Nice" show that Jimmy isn't entirely a douchenozzle. Still, I wanted to get in some good karma for his canonical assholery and also for being a jerk in my stories.


End file.
